What! a year!

"Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got". - Garth Brooks

When we look back at the time we've spent living our lives, it is often claimed that we see our entire life span before our eyes in moments. What we actually seem to see, however, are hardly everything. They are the snapshots of our lives, the moments that stay. These moments are like markers in life's puzzle, helping us remember our way, and help us on our way ahead. What we see in those moments are a summary of what we have become in our own lives. In a recent movie, the protagonist mentioned that the happiest moments of our lives, the most memorable instances are rarely alone. I beg to differ. While it possibly holds true for a variety of cases, my moments are as often about personal satisfaction as about anything else. While such may come from company, a more potent source is achievement, what one is or does that sets him apart. It is one of the few alones people really strive to be. 

Everyone has his own frame of reference, says physicscape. Very true. What I deem personal pleasure may seem frivolous to another. From pleasure comes happiness, from happiness comes a fork. Happiness is a drug. Its effect wears off in most people, requiring a higher dose next time for the same high. In others, it stays on as a hangover, it's effect staying on so perpetually, that life as a whole seems to be in a daze. We can risk an overdose or we can just stay happy. But is it the happy moments only that we remember?

 Happiness is fine, but mostly as I just said temporary. Sources of happiness are not lacking. We want something, we get it, we're happy. Then we want something more. Things fall into a circle, and our quest for hapinessand permanent bliss remains insatiated. I, as of now, have begun to enjoy this circle, always wanting something more out of life, pulling off all stops to try and bend what is impossible.A life dreams are made of maybe. I choose, as in Nash's words, to have fun, rather than be happy, and I am willing to face whatever consequences the fun comes with. To me, being happy for too long means your quest has ended. That you've settled for what you've got, settling for second best,maybe.

But as with all rules, even this comes with it's exceptions. It has been long since the thirteenth. A year past already, when I started writing this. To the day. By the time I get to post this, another couple of days. That day had brought with it a happiness I have always been unfamiliar with. It is not to say that I've never been happy otherwise, but that was a different bliss, not based on any achievement, any conquered peak. Not a launching pad as a thrust towards more. It was a bliss of having found the one thing all hope will be perfect. What is perfect, you may say. But then comes relativity. What is perfect for one may not be perfect for all. I had found a treasure I never set out to look for. Yet my eyes did gleam when it did arrive. I thought a search I never quite managed to start had ended. The search for goodness, for , if I may a heart that is content and not found wanting. I knew not what to call what I found. Even today, I do not have a name for the treasure that Caesar so doubted. But this I know. Whether I am far or I am near, there will always be a slot in my conscious, a large one at that, that will point to you, that will remind me of the times that have been. The soft smile, the fluttering laughter. The hide and seek. The boosting of morales. The teachings of morals. The wars that raged. The truces of peace. The quickest meals. The slowest goodnights. The getting lost in your eyes. The finding myself in your words. The getting angry. The getting sad. The cheering up. The dressing down. The daring truths. The glaring lies.

I had found all I had asked for. And all I had never dared ask. Some say you can never be too happy. They have not been as blessed as I. They have yet to find ultimate treasures. They have yet to understand it is not perfection they are looking for, but perfectness. I have been told by many close and far, that I have had my share of tragedies. I donot know about that. But this I can say, I have had my share of happiness, and then some more, not least in the past one year, a lot from the eyes that go deeper than the greatest canyons. Those eyes speak a lot, so much that I can nearly hear them. The slighest glint that yearns for freedom, the flickering spark that glows to glory. The mix of ecstacy and pain that I called out to. There was an answer I could never quite gauge. I never knew if I could ever repay the happiness I got from getting lost in them. If my actions caused hurt or humour. If I had to come closer or move further away. If what I did was right or wrong. I did not judge. I could not judge. I was blinded by too many things to see. Information overload, maybe. As I move far away from all that I've held as my own, and more, I would like you to look back for once all that was, and all that could be. Not in regret. Not in relief. Just look.

auf Wiedersehn.

Always yours,

kknundy.

Sakes

 This is a poem by Shourjya. For a more complete list of his works, visit here(You get a list called "Shourjya's poems").

The word is bad
yet we thrive,
the ultimate goal
is to strife,
in a nation full of rhapsody.

Whats the purpose
whats the aim,
big men or small
its pretty much all the same,
it's all for sakes they say.

For life,the lust,
the never ending greed.
For satanic pleasures,
to enhance your creed.
But it's still for lust they say.

Still not sure
is it the fun?
Or is it the
adventure that gives you the run.
Still for their sakes I don't.

For the sake
of sex,
Or sex for sake,
it's all for sex's sake i know.

No

In the past week or two, I have seen a lot of the little world around me change. Some of these changes affect me actively, some lesser so. They seem to disrupt the flow of my life from the rut it had comfortably settled into. Whether this settling into the rut thing was all that desirable in the first place, is in itself a different question altogether, something which is not what my mind is on right now, but which deserves attention at some more suitable time.

To me this world had some things which were designated to remain the same for all eternity, while some others were specified to change after stipulated periods. One good example would be the huge electoral fiesta our country just got over with, threw up two new previously unknown scenarios to me. One was that the anti-incumbency air, which I have seen in all previous elections in the last decade or so, just seemed to be missing. This was for no apparent reason, atleast as much as in my understanding would show, but it was pretty much obvious. The other side of this same coin, the Left debacle, something not just new to me, but whose memories had dimmed even in the minds of my parents. But, then again, this is a topic I think of mostly in academic interest, as it has little to do with my daily life.

More importantly, in my life it has always been my pride, some would call it my arrogance, in that I have never faced defeat. This is not to say that I have always emerged numero uno in all I have touched. Whenever I have faced some obstruction or challenge though, I have come out of the episode with atleast some semblance of respectability. This feeling of being replied in the negative, suddenly flared out a beast I didn't know existed within my self. This was truly speaking, atleast a partly justified no, when viewed from the side of the perpetrator, but then when it comes to my professional life, I would be biased to no end towards my own good, is it not? This rejection of sorts, without giving proper attention or credit to months of toil, brought to my attention the fact that being right or being good often isn't enough. Everything, as my and Sharaya's text would suggest, has a factor of chance incorporated into its structure. Whatever happens happens, whatever doesn't happen, well thats another much huger scenario, too much data, lets forget about it. This theory of chance if stretched a bit, would explain why I did not manage SK-1, due to varied time related issues, and ended up in SK-2. But this seemingly kind act of providence would now seem to be of further concern, as recent events have ingrained into me a fear of the negative, a fear that worthy enough is not good enough any more. Such pessimism does not suit my life, which I spend mostly in jest, but this is not a matter of jest. Uncertainty, I guess, is more disturbing to me than the fear of failure, so I would like to get some things in life straight, before I deal with the rest of it. So monologue-smiles needs to answer a question or two before I can breathe freely again. Take the time you need, but remember that every moment you take is another moment gone for ever, which shall never come back. It is not within my right to decide what the future holds, but is it too much to ask with which people, and also a bit of how I wish to face that future? If it is, then our life is reduced to nothing but a varied bunch of chemical and mathematical equations, which hold charm only within the confines of a research laboratory. Let us see whether my inherent trust in the beauty and value of human life and emotion stands the test of time, or withers away like the many flowers lying unnoticed amongst the roadside weeds day after day...

Chapter 2 : The saga begins

Hals commented well on psyche's current condition - Buy the poor chap some jewellery, bachha paraya ho gaya, vidaai ka waqt dur nahi!

So, Mr. Tintin, are you enjoying your adventures in this psychedelic world enough, or do you ask for more?

Chapter 1 : Rise/Fall In Love

Chapter 1 : So, finally psychedelic is in the most enticing trance of all, the magic of LOVE. Such are the travesties of fate that one never knows whither comes Cupid and that too in what form. I once heard a dialogue in a stupid yet entertaining film, that went something like. if someone wants something strongly enough, the whole world conspires to join in the quest. That might explain the whirlwind like speed in which the ensuing set of events unfolded. Truly speaking, I couldn't help but feel amused by the changes that can occur within moments in the name of certain emotions. But, interestingly these changes are necessarily just about a state of mind. So for a person(unless he/she is faint-hearted, which psychedelic isn't, take my word) these changes should ideally occur through self enforced will. 

Hello dear friends I love you all
I like to be with you
I won't forget how you broke my fall
Just as you needed to

I write this verse as play and fun
It isn't very tough
My poetry is almost done
Let me leave you with a laugh

I knew a man rather a boy
Who was a genius
His problem was he was too coy
He avoided a fuss

A fire came and shone at him
It nearly burnt him through
However it nearly grew dim
In the tear fight that ensued


I laughed and cried, I couldn't decide
Whether it was for good or bad
But when he lay down and cried
It got me a bit sad

I hope the tears are over now
The fun has just begun
I really wish i just knew how
He's basking in the sun

Now I must leave, but I'll return
I'll go and have some rest
Till then may you all crash and burn
May you pass this worldly test

Apocalypse

The start was very pleasant sir
Not as bleak as it seems
I did not have to look too far
For penning down my dreams

It seems quite hard as I look back
It was much easy then
I would work hard until I crack
So I was called insane

I was the best yes that I'm sure
Why ain't I as good now
Maybe that is coz I lost my touch
I still do not know how

I have a dream, I used to say
To reach the top and stay
I nearly reached the peak, I did
Till everything below gave way

I lay spread-eagled on the floor
I simply wondered on
Why did the others go ahead
Just then I felt alone


Yes, I have friends, many I have
They are what helped me see
Yet even they could not save
What I had lost in me

I will be back I thought back then
Now I have gone too far
I chose to go down the easy lane
I can't turn back the car

My days of glory are long gone
I let them go away
But I'm happy, I ain't alone
And I am here to stay